SETTING: In a small, warmly lit village, Davian Dawntracker paces slowly through a circle of smiling villagers, introducing his story. Minstrels play festively in the background, and lots of people are eating pork.
DAVIAN: Gather 'round, young and old, rich and poor, drunk and stupid or hot and blonde! Prepare yourselves for the legend of how I, Davian Dawntracker, killed an Ogre!
CROWD: Gasps, then CHEERS!
DAVIAN: It all starts in the boathouse... of a GHOST!
DAVIAN: Well, it was really more of a mercantile ghost. The guy was trying to make an honest buck in a tough business. You got a lake with a zombie dragon in it, and you loan some idiot your boat... it's not sustainable at all. The ghost of a once-profitable business, if you ask me.
AS we camp in this back yard of this undead future bankruptcy, we were set upon by WILD BOARS!
CHILD IN CROWD: That happened last time, Davian!
CHILD IN CROWD: Yeah! Make it wolves!
DAVIAN: The region's chief export is pigs. The region's official mascot? A pig. With the dragon turned into a cat, the region's only military defenses? PIGS! Had it not been for our vigilant night watchman, Lead Tiger, a man who requires no sleep, We'd surely have been gored to death.
I fired an arrow from what was almost definitely a stealthy position, striking the pig with what probably should have been a mortal wound. The monstrous swine charged ahead without regard! Our sorceress, Yalandra, sprang into action, launching a spray of bright colors from her fingertips... to no effect! The boars gored Dar-Wynn! We would find out over the next few minutes that Yalandra had fallen victim to a cursed amulet.
She cast magic missile, only to have the missile disappear, and parts of her with it! She disappeared from our sight, piece by piece, clutching the cursed jewelry and screaming!
CHILD IN CROWD: Mommy!!!
DAVIAN: The chaos of the boar fight was nothing compared to the the terror we felt as Yalandra faded into oblivion.
TEENAGER IN CROWD: Is she dead?
(Silence for a few seconds)
DAVIAN: We'll get back to her later! The rest of us had to pound some pork! Dar-Wynn, Konrad, and Lead Tiger set upon the beasts with claw and fist! I flipped through the air, narrowly escaping a tusk myself! I swung my blade dangerously about one of the monsters' hind quarters!
OLD MAN IN CROWD: "Swang dangerously?" That doesn't sound the same as hitting it.
OLD WOMAIN IN CROWD: You hit it or you didn't.
DAVIAN: I think it's important to recognize that by standing behind the pig, I created a flanking...
OLD WOMAN IN CROWD: You didn't do anything! YOU SUCK!
DAVIAN: OK OK OK, calm down, the pig thing is a warm up for me. (Davian resets his posture to a dramatic lunge) Lead Tiger! the stoic monk... Konrad! the cat-clawed half dwarf... and Dar-Wynn! the winged, singing cat slew the despicable hogs! There were hacks, and slashes, and punches to the face! You haven't been to a barbecue if you've never seen three adults beat boars to death with their bare hands! Surely, those of us with swords were at some kind of mild disadvantage...
OLD WOMAN: Uh huh.
DAVIAN: Hey, I shot it with an arrow, dammit. I ended up offering to butcher the pigs' bodies for our rations afterwards, if only out of frustration with my inaccurate sword-arm! In fact, I swore to correct my level of contribution, which I do in part two of our story.
CROWD: OOOOOOOOH! (Then a brief silence)
DAVIAN: Ahem. AAAAAHEM!
(A hand from the crowd puts a wine skin in front of Davian, which he grabs and unscrews before beginning again)
DAVIAN (yelling): PART TWO! (swigs from the bottle) THE OGRE BATTLE!
DAVIAN: After a lively debate about Dwarven ruins, Foreign Politics, and the planar whereabouts of the Gnome Yalandra, the party ventured forth to a fort in a clearing. Dar-Wynn demonstrated her power of flight, soaring gloriously into the clouds for a better view of the fort. As she somersaulted to the ground, a powerful acrobat, the very earth around her shook. Unfortunately, we were no wiser as to the contents of the fort. We employed our magical squirrel, Rocky, or Chippy, or Acorns or some shit, to perform dangerous reconnaissance.
MAN IN CROWD: This animal risked its life for you, and you don't know its name?
WOMAN IN CROWD: Remind me not to do any scouting for YOU.
DAVIAN: Look, I tried to give it acorns. Dar-Wynn gave it a flying ride up a really tall tree. Believe me, we're good with the damn Squirrel.
As the Squirrel departs, our brave Lead Tiger was ambushed by a SLIMY SWAMP MAN!
DAVIAN: I sprang into action, flanking the mossy monster against Lead Tiger, slashing and jabbing into the pulpy foliage that comprised his body! The foul creature released a cloud of noxious gas, not unlike Blacksmith Ernst after too much cheese!
ERNST: Hey, that's perfectly natural!
DAVIAN: Just as we thought the cloud of poison might overwhelm us, Konrad clawed the thing's face off, and it sank into the forest with an unnatural sigh.
We proceed to the fort! A gaping hole in its palisade (that's what it's called) revealed evidence of unwanted intruders! We would be third or even fourth to arrive at this unsightly affair. Old Chippy Acorns McSquirril reports Ogres are on the scene. We snuck into the fort only to find two of the enormous mutants repeatedly... hurling pigs... into a pit! While laughing maniacally!
DAVIAN: The object of our quest resting in a house directly adjacent to this pig massacre, we tried to sneak in! Unbeknownst to us, this house had already been damaged, and I stepped on a piece of broken glass. The ogres spun to face us!
TEENAGER IN CROWD: So what did you do?
DAVIAN: I dodged a flying pig, is what I did! I knew that, once discovered, we would be set upon by every ogre in the village. With none of my other companions revealed, I ran at full speed past the pig grave, screaming insults at the Ogres!
TEENAGER IN CROWD: What kind of insults?
DAVIAN: They probably would have been funnier if I had time to write them beforehand. I'm not proud of the language I used. BUT IT WORKED! Both Ogres spun to face me, as my companions entered the building. They chased me to the town's gate, barricaded from within by furniture, debris, and pig carcasses. I knew there was no way to outrun the giant ogres, but that I could get some relief from the wall itself. I vaulted up the pile of war wreckage and landed atop the palisade, lifting my hand in the rudest gesture I knew. I was instantly repaid with a thrown wheelbarrow, narrowly missing my head! I vaulted down the other side of the wall and took off running into the woods.
As I ran, my companions looted the house and recovered the magical staff we'd searched for. When I reached the woods, thinking myself safe, I spun around to survey the scene... only to find a GIANT OGRE, poised to strike me down with a spear! He had run out of the hole in the palisade! As you all know, Ogres...
CROWD, IN UNISON: CAN RUN UP TO 33% FASTER THAN HUMANOIDS.
DAVIAN: OK, guess we covered that last time. This ogre has me cornered! I can't outrun him, and I'm not sure I can kill him!
MAN IN CROWD: Did you escape?
DAVIAN: No, I was killed. (side-eyes the man in crowd) My companions arrived just in time! Lead Tiger ran in fearlessly, striking the monster with fists and feet. Dar-Wynn launched herself over his back, grappling the ogre's face and delivering claw after claw! But the ogre still stood, swinging his mighty club about our heads! I knew this, if there ever was a time, was the time for a mortal blow. I plunged my blade deep into the brute's back, and down... he... went!
CHILD IN CROWD: Wasn't Dar-Wynn riding its head like a pony?
OTHER CHILD: Did she fall?
DAVIAN: Yeah, they did all kind of collapse into a pile.
OLD MAN IN CROWD: It seems like they had it under control. Maybe what you did was dangerous!
DAVIAN: I dealt the killing blow! (punches the air with his fist)
OLD WOMAN IN CROWD: Yeah, after it turned around and beat on your friends. This isn't sounding very brave.
CHILD IN CROWD: YOU CHEATED!
DAVIAN: I DID severely damage other ogres.
(A few people leave the crowd)
DAVIAN: Uhh, Konrad blinded one with a flash of light! He... he fell over at least 8 times trying to sneak out! That's kind of funny!
WOMAN IN CROWD: That's not funny, he could have died!
(Crowd begins to dissipate, a hand reaches out and grabs Davian's wine skin. He misses with his attempt to grab it back, and suddenly, he's alone in the town square)
DAVIAN: (Sighs in frustration, then looks up) Did you get anything good, Rocky 2?
ROCKY 2, a talking Squirrel with a much deeper voice than Rocky: (Rocky 2 drops down off a street lamp with a sack of coins) 60 gold pieces and this magical amulet. I'm putting it on!